birthday

Dear Leif -

It was two years ago that you slithered into our arms and hearts. Your gaze was intense and hinted at the person you are now - curious, mischievous, focused, and so very very Leif.

Would you like to hear your birth story? I'm sure I will tell you this every year, but on this second birthday it is more poignant than ever since the snow is falling for the first time this year. Just like the morning you were born. This week I also helped 3 other Mama's push out their babies, and in their eyes I remembered so clearly the work I did to bring you here.

The day you were born was the day I officially gave up on being pregnant. It was 5 days before my due date and I stopped all my nesting activities and went for a pedicure with Melody instead. I remember the salon girls just gasping at how big I was - but the pedicurist had children herself and looked at me fondly. She spent most of her time working my calves and pressure points on my foot, I'm convinced she put me into labor. During that day I realized you might be coming
soon, although my only physical clue was that all my Braxton Hicks contractions had stopped.


(right where I'm standing is where you were born)


That night I tried to go to bed around 10:00 PM, but I had trouble sleeping. Finally around 1:00 I managed to doze off, only to be woken at 2:30 AM with a punch-pop sound. Like someone plucking a guitar string deep in my pelvis. Just like with your sister. Same time, same way. I had spent days wondering about how I would react if that happened again, and had even visualized trying to stay calm. For some reason during the pregnancy it was my WORST fear that my water would
break spontaneously while in bed and it would send me back to a terrible place.

It didn't.

Instead, I hopped out of bed and scurried to the toilet to try and keep things neat. Who wants amniotic fluid all over everything? I got my first contraction right away, and I forgot all about being worried. I loved sitting there, knowing that you would soon be born and for a few moments it was a secret only you and I shared. After another mild one 2 minutes later I called for Britton to call the midwife and our doula, Carrie.

Our midwife asked for Britton to take 20 minutes and time some contractions, then call her back. I already knew that they were every 2 minutes, but was afraid of having her come too soon. The funny thing is that your Dada found a second hand watch, handed it to me on the toilet, and walked away. Apparently I was supposed to time them myself. I sort of chuckled and tossed the watch aside, since I knew things were on their way.

The rest is a blur, the tub lady came and set up the birthing tub, Carrie arrived, midwife and her assistant arrived, my parents came. For these 2 hours or so I labored sitting upright on the floor leaning against the wall, at some point Britton slide behind me for support. I was able to use our hypnobirthing work, and I hear that there was awhile where nobody could tell I was having contractions. Contractions were every 2 minutes, lasting one minute, with a minute off for my entire labor. They just gained in strength. I switched how I was coping often, sometimes being totally silent and limp, and other times really letting loose. I found it mentally exhausting to be silent, and physically exhausting to be vocal so I tended to switch between the two.

By around 6:00 the tub was full, and I managed to get on my hands & knees, and then into the tub. I could barely walk the ten feet into the bathroom where we had set up the tub. I can't imagine getting into a car while in active labor. No way. The tub was fantastic for about 10 minutes, then the contractions really started to tumbled over one another. Looking back, it was clearly transition. In about 10 more minutes my body started to push, which really surprised me. I thought for sure I was only half way done with labor, and I thought I should wait to push. Then I got my first internal exam of the entire pregnancy and was informed I could push if I felt like it - complete!

Pushing was a relief, I could finally do something to help move things along. I believe that I pushed through about 8 contractions, then got really serious about getting you out. For some reason I thought that there was a quantifiable amount of pain I needed to get through, so the faster I did it and the more it hurt the faster it would be over. I don't know if this theory is true or not...

While I was pushing I remember seeing your Dada sitting across from me, looking eager and a little shocked. Your Papa Jeff had made a great mix of Indian and ambient music for the iPod, and the midwife was swaying to the music. Carrie just watched me quietly, sometimes asking me to drink a sip of water. I wanted no talking, no moving, just silence and stillness. Pica kept batting at my hand hanging over the tub, and trying to climb in and see what all the fuss was about. Every once and awhile I would look up the big skylight over the tub and I could see that the light was coming, and day was about to break.

You weren't really moving down much, no matter how hard I pushed. Just stayed put. Something happened though in one contraction, I just pushed your head all the way out into my hands. No crowning, no "ring of fire", no stretching. It took everyone by surprise, including myself. Everyone jumped up, Britton reached in the tub to guide your body out, and you were born. So fast! It was 7:00 AM.

You were alert right away, sort of grey, but pushing up on my chest holding your head up and taking a look around. You stared right at me! After a few eternally long moments the MW touched your mouth and you took a breath, and let out a few whimpers. You staying on my chest for the next 30 minutes or so, until the placenta was born and we could move to the bed. We got tucked into bed for your newborn exam and monitoring. You were silent, just looking around with your big eyes and nuzzling on me.



Your apgars were 9 & 10, 7 pounds on the dot. Maybe a little less, it was dark when we did the weighing. Just as everyone was packing up to go home (around 9:00 AM) the snow started falling. It was a beautiful day.

Happy 2nd Birthday Leif Snowcloud! I can't wait to see what you do this year.