emotional stuff

Over the past year our Parenting 101 class has really ramped up. I'm relieved that the hazy days of round the clock nursing and sleep anxiety are fading into the distance, although they have been replaced with a whole new realm of "discipline" and other weighty decisions.

In so many ways I would just like to wing it.

"Leif, this is just how we are and you're stuck with us!".

But I'm not quite that secure. So, in the spirit of self improvement, I've recently finished reading Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman.

The premise of the book is that in addition to teaching your children how to walk, talk, and pick up after themselves you also teach them about their emotions. This involves understanding how you feel about your own emotions and then being able to identify the emotions your child might be having. From there you work to help you child label, understand, and communicate how they are feeling.

At the heart of the concept is empathy. All feelings are acceptable, although all behaviors are not. Watching our children struggle with strong or negative emotions can be really difficult, we might want to help them "get over it" by distracting them, minimizing the situation, belittling them, or telling them to "stop crying". Gottman argues that not teaching our children how to become familiar with their strong emotions (through acknowledgment and comfort) can result in behavioral and emotional problems.

Leif is still on the young side for many of the techniques discussed in the book, but some of the ideas still apply to us. Mostly Gottman reaffirmed that our job is still to "toddler proof" certain tough situations like sharing toys. Keep Leif rested and well fed. Be familiar with normal toddler development and keep our expectations in check. Acknowledge when he is upset by helping him to understand why he is angry, sad, jealous, or frustrated.

In our day to day life I think this means being a little more patient. Not permissive, that's a whole other topic. Listening closer, "Where is this whining coming from? Is he bored/overwhelmed/cold/annoyed? What is really going on?". Just trying to fix the situation without taking the time to understand the source and could give Leif the message that I don't approve of him feeling X, Y, or Z.

Of course, I'm summarizing a whole book in a few paragraphs, so I'm skimming over a lot of the finer points. I think it will take another read or two next year to really sink in, but it was a good place to start. Hopefully I can use what I need from it without double triple checking my every move. I still think that parenting instinctually is our ideal, but supplementing a bit from all those Ph. D's can't hurt.