luna's birthday

Well, today is Luna's birthday. She would be three.

We talk alot about how to keep her spirit alive in our family. See, Leif isn't our first child, nor is he oldest. In terms of birth order, things are all askew for him and us. How do we explain to him that he had a sister? That they looked just alike? That they were both woke me up at 2:20 AM with my water breaking and labor starting?

I know her pregnancy and birth changed how we parent Leif. The most obvious thing is medical - starting with their births. I had a cesarian with Luna, and a homebirth for Leif. I can't say that I regret the c-section, because we did it to try and give her the best chance at making it. In hindsight, I don't think I could have birthed her at all. But I do sincerely regret that she spent the first 15 minutes of her life under lights, getting worked on by a team of strangers. I dearly wish I could have just held her quietly and talked her home.

We were so determined to make it different for Leif. If you're not aware, having a normal birth after having a c-section is politically, emotionally, and physically taxing. At least it was for me in the State of Washington. I know VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) isn't the right choice for everyone, but for me it was a chance at healing from Luna's birth. In the end, I am more proud of Leif's birth than anything I have ever accomplished. I feel like I fought the system for him to have the most gentle, present, and hands off birth possible. He was born in the water into my own hands, wide eyed and curious. Britton was the first person other than me to touch him, then we all got into bed and rested.

The first part of Leif's pregnancy was wrought with stress - we have a 25% reoccurance rate for Luna's condition (spondylothoracic dysplasia). We had way too many ultrasounds where we nervously counted ribs and vertebra. I can't even see an ultrasound picture without feeling a little nauseated. Once we were cleared around 18 weeks, I focused on helping Leif get stronger and trying to remain as calm as possible. Still, the rollercoaster that started after he was born with his weight and feeding issues just seemed like a continuation of the journey we started with Luna.

Sometimes I hate that we have this history, this difficult thing to explain. I find myself mentioning it farther and further between to people we meet, like I'm just burdening them with a terrible secret. I cringe less and less when asked "Is he your only one?".

I'm not sure how to approach it with Leif...we don't have many photos of Luna, and I think it would be confusing to just spring it on him when he is of an understanding age. She is part of our family history, she has shaped our relationship with each other and with Leif. We make an effort to celebrate her birthday like any other member of our family, and hopefully that is a good place to start.

Happy Birthday Luna!